The Windows of Life: My Story

I would like to introduce Sadie as a new writer for the Continence Connection Blog. Sadie called me, excited about finding Continence Connection where she felt safe to talk about her experiences as a person living with incontinence. Sadie is eager to share with others, her stories about the trials and tribulations about living with incontinence. Please join me in welcoming Sadie to our CC, LLC family. Check back frequently for Sadie's posts and please feel free to participate in our discussions. Welcome Sadie! :)

Hello! Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Sadie. I was born in a rural part of Washington, I was late to get out of diapers but I spent most of my time as a toddler running naked through the forest, as my dad was a forest ranger. I wore cloth diapers until I was about 5. When I moved to California I started attending public school, and was happy, did well in school, and dry until I started wetting the bed when I was 12. The first night was a normal night at a friend’s house, I nearly died of embarrassment, and my mother later had to replace the mattress I stained. I was so scared; I didn’t know why I had done it, or how I could stop it.

aMy mother purchased a pack of size 6 pampers for me to wear to bed and I had accidents about once a week for a few months. I went in for my annual check-up and told the doctor about my bedwetting, he passed it off as normal and recommended a bathroom schedule and limiting my water intake, steps we took after the second or third accident. After two more months of more frequent wetting, my mom decided I needed to see a professional. The took X-rays, poked and prodded, the whole time I felt so helpless, I could imagine the doctors and nurses thinking “Bed wetter, Bed wetter, Bed wetter”

After weeks of doctor’s visits I was diagnosed with the beginnings of Spina Bifida.  Even though I had no noticeable disabilities, my spine had fused to my hips, giving me the answer to why I couldn’t ever touch my toes in gym, but opened a window to a lifetime of continence issues. I started doing Kegel exercises but at 13 I still hadn’t had my period yet, so they were difficult and painful. I stopped using the baby diapers and usually wore either Goodnites or some of the cloth diapers I wore as a kid, modified to fit me (look for tips on how to do this in my future posts). After 6 months and endless training, restrictive dieting, and a strong will to NOT WET THE BED, I went one month dry. After that, diapers became an afterthought; I would wear them to sleepovers just in case but became an expert at hiding them under my pajamas. The diapers even helped me with my first periods, which were very heavy. I passed it off as a stage and moved on with the fear of Spina Bifida still in the back of my mind.

In sophomore year of High School, I got in a car accident that almost closed all the windows of life. On my way to the homecoming dance, my mom, my date and I spun out of control on the freeway and smashed into a tree. I woke up the next afternoon in traction…and in diapers. I broke my collar bone, my left wrist, and had severe damage to my hips. I had no control over my bladder and bowels, the catheterization and colostomy made lack of any control a new, scary part of my life. The worst part was the hospital staff changing my diapers. The diapers in the hospital we’re basically plastic bags with Kleenex stuffed inside and the nurses treated me like a baby. The Spina Bifida mixed with all the damage to my hips was enough to destroy any possibilities of continence.

After being in casts and traction my body was left a weak, tired shell. I cried myself to sleep for months, started home-schooling and had to be heavily diapered 24/7. I started getting Attends diapers from our medical provider, which were better than anything I had tried before. The bulkiness and institution style as well as the bed pads I had to sleep on were not helpful in making me feel like the confident, flowering young woman I was before the accident. The worst was my lack of any bowel control, It made me feel dirty all the time. I didn’t go out, I didn’t wear make-up, and I even threw out all my panties in an angry fit. I knew it was diapers for me from now on. I spent my sweet 16 in my room alone thinking there was no place in the world for someone who wet and messed the bed every night.

After 9 months of training, retention enemas, and about 800 soiled diapers I started being able to control my BM’s to a certain extent. I had to make it to the bathroom in a few minutes or I would use my diaper, which was always a demoralizing experience. I went back to school for my senior year. Nobody knew about my issues and I learned to cope with diapers in everyday life. I told the school counselor about my problem and was able to use the staff bathrooms and have a secret stash of diapers, wipes and powder there. I had trouble living like a normal girl again; I was in constant fear of leaking because there wasn’t a product made for a person young, active and incontinent.

I still wore the Attends to bed, but I couldn’t wear those big crinkly diapers to school. I could still fit into the 6T size pull-ups but they wouldn’t hold a full void, and neither would the Goodnites. I started wearing the pull-ups but would cut a line down the center and wear a Goodnites over that. I still had to change often, but I felt safer than I ever had before. The diapers would chaff together, and I would have a big bulge if I wore anything less than a size 6 pair of jeans (which is hard as a size 0). All through high school there were close-calls, emotional trials and embarrassing moments, stories I’ll tell in later posts.

The dorm experience was another challenge all together; I went to an all girl’s school so privacy was not really an option. I kept up the same diaper routine, except with girls Goodnites under a pair of poise panties (an awful product to use alone but works decent as a protective cover for the Goodnites), I hid my diapers from my roommate for months until she confronted me about my constant bathroom and nighttime secrecy. She became my best friend, and has been nothing but loving and supportive; she even got me a pair of footed pajamas for Christmas, her solution to me exposing my diapers accidentally in my sleep or around the house.

I feel like a real girl again, diapers are a part of me and still are to this day. I still have weak bowel control and no bladder continence and the doctors have made it clear that I’ll have to be diapered for the rest of my life. Through all my trials and tribulations, I’ve learned that no matter how hard the windows of life are closed for you, through confidence, support and staying positive you can open them and feel the fresh air again!

-Sadie H.

Comments

[Jim P.]

Dear Sadie,

Hello my name is Jim. I have just recently learning to cope with 24/7 diaper wearing. I hope you don't get upset with me but would like to share my experience with the uroligist and with you and please if you would give me some advice I would love some, even though I know I am not alone it still feels that way at times.

I went to the uroligist two days ago and when I reached the counter first thing I noticed was that the receptionist was my friends wife I had no idea that was the office she worked in. I was scared to death she would say something to her husband about my condition. I then learned that the docter I was to see had been changed to another, which I don't deal with sudden change well. I looked about the room I was waiting in and noticed that I was the only person in there under the age of 55 and started to realy fit out of place that feeling of everyone is looking at you feeling.

I was taken back to my room and they handed me a cup to fill. I, for some reason, can't feel my bladder like someone pulled out the phone line to my brain. I looked in disbaleife and followed the nurse to the bath room I shut the door and asked god please let me fill this thing and god had just enough to do so. I went to my room now feeling realy nervous about this prior to the doctor coming in.

When he walked in he towerd at 6ft 3inches tall very intimidating and never even took a seat I had to look up at him the whole time. He began asking me questions sometimes I found myself answering the same question more than twice. He would say something about a full work up and that there had to be something serious going on. At this moment, I have really got the fear factor going on and all I could get out was what is a full work up. He begins to say how he had to scan the bladder to see if it was empty and that he had to do something annaly and then the biggest thing I was terrified to hear was he says he has to look inside my bladder.

At this point I have lost controll of the fear factor. I just sat there couldn't say a word just stared the nurse brought something in asked me to change still I could not move. I just stared at that table like an awfull pedastal ready to be sacrificing me to something but you get my point. As the nurse walked in again say Mr. P are you ready for your scan all I could say was "I need to leave."

I was so embaressed not sure of what these test would do so many fears that ran through my mind along with alot of what ifs. I don't know what to do. I am in no pain just hard to get used to being wet seems like all the time. rRw areas now I am sure you can relate always wandering when that big day of embarrasment will hit. I have had to get a second job just to afford the insulin diapers and such for just living everyday. I hope to hear from you or Robin one day I feel lost. Thank you for your time and patience in reading this.
God bless.
Sincerely, Jim

[SaDiEx]

Dear Sadie,

I don't believe it but we share the same issues and even the same name........!!

[Mint]

Dear Sadie

Yes there are many of us out here who need to wear pads and nappies for various reasons and I appreciate your taking the time to share your experiences.

Best regards

Mint